Q&A: Gender Roles in Marriage, Part 2

In the previous post of this Q&A on gender roles in marriage, we began looking at whether specific gender roles are God’s design for Christian marriages – roles in which, specifically, the husband is to take responsibility for leadership and the wife is to help and to submit.

Firstly, we started in Genesis, and found that God created male and female as equals, and designed the marriage relationship as one for two equals who serve one another by offering their strength to meet the other person’s needs. The first hint of males ruling in marriage is presented as a consequence of sin, and therefore not something to be emulated. Looking forward into the New Testament, we found that the meaning of “head” in Ephesians 5 has nothing to do with leadership and authority, but is rather a correction of a local myth about the creation story. The focus for husbands in the passage on marriage in Ephesians 5 is love.

Biblical Examples of Marriage

We’ve looked at the theory, now what about the practice? If men were designed by God to be in authority in Christian marriages, we should see this reflected in the examples of married couples we find in Scripture. In this post, I want to look at what we can learn from actual marriages throughout the Bible – do we see rigid gender roles promoted there?

A Man in Authority – Samson

The Bible does show instances of men asserting their authority over their wives, and it’s hardly ever pretty. For example, Samson sees an attractive girl and decides he wants her. He demands that his parents “get her for me as my wife,” and they comply. When things don’t work out so well within the first week of marriage, he stomps off home to his parents and her father gives her to Samson’s friend (oh, charming). He later wants to sleep with her again, not realising what has happened. Her father suggests that Samson sleeps with his younger daughter instead (Judges 14-15). Both Samson and his wife’s father demonstrate a callous disregard for the dignity and value of women – they are treated as sex objects, rather than as God’s image bearers.

Abraham Instructed to Obey Sarah

At least in the matter of how to deal with Hagar and Ishmael, God directly hands the authority to Sarah, rather than Abraham. “But God said to him, ‘…Listen to whatever Sarah tells you…” (Gen 21:12).

Elkanah – the Gentle Husband of Hannah

Elkanah, the husband of Hannah (who became the mother of Samuel the prophet) is entirely sympathetic to his wife’s dilemma of infertility. Culturally, a wife’s purpose was to beget heirs, and failure to do so was an accepted reason for divorce. Yet there is no hint of frustration or anger about this from Elkanah – he is presented as a tender, loving husband, who understands his wife’s emotional distress and seeks ways to alleviate it. When Hannah finally does become pregnant and give birth to a son, Elkanah does not stand in the way of Hannah’s vow to dedicate their child, Samuel, to the service of the Lord in the temple. She makes a decision, and Elkanah honours it.

When Disobedience is Right – Abigail

Abigail saves the lives of the men in her household by defying her husband, Nabal – a foolish and arrogant man with a violent temper. David was in his “outlaw period,” and not yet king. When he asked Nabal, for food, Nabal refuses point-blank, despite the fact that David’s troops had been protecting Nabal’s livestock. David vows to see every man in the household dead by sunset. Abigail, however, instructs the servants to generously load up the donkeys. She then leads the delegation to take plentiful supplies to David. She does this without her husband’s knowledge. Her foolish husband is struck down by heart failure when he finds out, and dies. Does Abigail’s seemingly unsubmissive action see God looking down on her? Not at all – in fact, Abigail’s reward is that, after being widowed, she marries David, becoming the wife of a future king (1 Sam 25). Abigail took a risk for the good of others, and was ultimately rewarded herself.

Astute Businesswoman – Proverbs 31 Woman

Proverbs 31 sets up the character of an ideal wife. If an ideal wife’s job is to be a submissive homemaker, then she doesn’t seem to be a great example. “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” Reading through the passage, it seems the reason for the husband’s material security is her hard work in contributing economically to the family – she runs a small industry, bargains for the best prices, and buys and sells land. There is no hint that she relies on his leadership in any of this. When it comes to real estate, it’s clear that the actions taken are all her doing: “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.” Even in something as major as the purchase of real estate, she appears to be able to make wise decisions on her own. This woman’s sphere goes beyond the home – it is also to be found in charitable works, and international trade. She is a wise and gifted teacher, and there is no reason to believe her husband does not accept and learn from this wisdom. He takes delight if her efforts bring her praise in the civic sphere. Her husband would appear to be this strong and decisive woman’s #1 fan.

Married Women Disciples of Jesus

Various women, some of them married, travelled with Jesus and the disciples, and provided financially for Jesus’ ministry (Luke 8:1-3). We don’t know their husbands’ views, but it seems that following Jesus was their top priority.

A Ministry Team – Priscilla & Aquila

Priscilla and Aquila were among the key leaders of the early church. They were close companions of Paul. Both were involved as house church leaders and teachers. It has been widely believed, since the days of the early church, that Priscilla was the more gifted of the two and the one considered the leader. Whenever this pair is mentioned in the New Testament in general terms, Aquila’s name comes first, as was the custom of the time. However, every time they are mentioned in ministry terms, hers is given first.

True Biblical Marriage “Roles” Are Diverse

Biblical examples of marriages in action do not uphold the notion that the husband’s role is one of authority while the wife’s is one of submission. Marriages in the Bible are diverse. Both men and women act outside of the stereotypical “traditional” roles, and are not presented as having stepped outside of God’s will by doing so. These individuals are often shown as being blessed by God and, in some instances, approved of in ministry.

When we look both deeply into specific passages used to place husbands in authority and also broadly at the examples of marriages throughout the Bible, we see no evidence of God setting down any specific gender roles in marriage (beyond the purely biological roles of childbearing and breastfeeding). We do, however, see the principle of mutual submission (Eph 5:21) at work – a concept which frees couples to make decisions about how they do marriage based on what is natural for their personality types, and on their particular needs in any given season of life. Because of the focus on both partners voluntarily yielding in love to the other, a marriage of mutual submission, rather than rigid gender roles, is a natural and healthy place for true love and commitment to flourish.

Do you have a question about men, women, the Bible and real life that you’d like answered? Your suggested questions would be greatly welcomed for topics of future Q&A blog posts – just email Bronwen at godsdesignperth@gmail.com.

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7 thoughts on “Q&A: Gender Roles in Marriage, Part 2

  1. Great overview. Another thing about Priscilla. She and Aquilla heard a man (Apollos) speak, and they took him back to their house, where they taught him the way more adequately. In a very honoring way, Priscilla taught a man theology. He already knew a lot, so the incident implies that they knew even more, and needed to correct his understanding. Those who think Paul didn’t affirm women teaching men need to examine his relationship with this remarkable woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really liked this article but a couple things seemed a bit inaccurate. Your article makes it sound like Samson gave his wife to a friend. But I believe it was samson’s father-in-law who gave his wife to the friend, not Samson. He came back expecting his wife to be living with her dad, (judges 14:19-15:2). Judges 15:6 does at first glance seem to make it sound like Samson gave his wife away, but if you look at the context and different translations I believe it speaks of his father-in-law. Also, with Elkanah I believe 1 Samuel 1:8 could be an example of his frustration with her. To me, he seems to be asking her why his love isn’t enough. I love the point about Sarah and Priscilla, though.


    1. Hi Ashley, thanks for taking the time to comment. I’ve gone back and reviewed the passages in question.

      What goes on with Samson and his wife is pretty convoluted! I checked it out in about a dozen different translations, and it is handled a bit differently from one to another. You are right – a careful reading across the chapters makes it clear that it is her father who gives her away to the friend, whereas just taking what is said in chapter 14 and separating it from chapter 15 makes this fact much less clear (I have adjusted the information accordingly in my article). This is a bit odd, because in patriarchal societies, her marriage would normally have transferred her ownership from her father to her husband, so it wouldn’t normally have been her father’s responsibility to give her away that second time. Making it even more unusual is that the father gives her to one of Samson’s companions – some versions specify that it was his best man. While I wondered at first if it was a case of the Bible compressing some information that happened over a period of time into a sentence or two (e.g. Samson stomps off home, time goes by, her father realises he’s not coming back and looks around for a new husband), that doesn’t seem likely – Samson’s best man is presumably an Israelite, not a Philistine, so there’s no reason he would have been staying in the Philistine village beyond the week of the wedding feast. So it seems that she was given away to Samson’s friend almost immediately after Samson had taken off. The Philistines clearly had little regard for the sanctity of marriage – and the best man wasn’t much of a friend! The father seemed pretty desperate to offload his daughters onto anyone he possibly could. I think the term “given” is a bit vague. Some versions tidy it up and say that she was married off to Samson’s friend. I suspect that it simply means “given” to him sexually, but without more information on Philistine marriage customs, it’s hard to tell. It may be that sleeping with her with her father’s permission was considered marriage, with no further rite or celebration.

      It is possible that 1 Sam 1:8 is an example of Elkanah being frustrated with Hannah. It is the same problem we face when communicating via email or social media – the words can be understood differently depending on what tone we believe goes with them. In this instance, we can only look at Elkanah’s other interactions with Hannah to give some context to whether it is likelier that he is frustrated or caring in this instance. 1 Samuel 1:4-5 says, “Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb.” In light of her failure to achieve the major thing required by a wife in that time and culture, Elkanah seems incredibly loving and tender. He had every right to divorce a wife who failed to produce children, but instead he gives her special and loving consideration. Hannah makes a promise to the Lord that if He gives her a son, she will dedicate him to the Lord’s service. Her husband had every right to override this vow, but he chose not to and respected her promise to God. It seems that in all we see of their interactions, he respected her and treated her lovingly.

      Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply.


  3. Now I have read a few of your posts. I feel wow shocked! I need to read some of those passages. God told Abraham to listen to Sarah’s suggestions!!?? Haha I’ve heard so many sermons on submission and none on listening to a wife.
    I’m really appreciating your thorough exploration of the original languages with many examples. Thank you.


    1. Thank you, Wren, for your kind words of encouragement. I’m grateful to hear that this site has been helpful to you in discovering a different approach to understanding what the Bible says about women. If you have particular questions along the way that you’d like to know more about, please get in touch.


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